Chasing visions of our futures ft. Zelda M. Blake

I woke up that day with a scream in my throat, crawling under my skin, scratching, tearing to get out.  Sweat in my eyes, hair’s wet on my back. The nightmare still in my head, still running fast forward. I was eighteen again, the blood of this man dripping on my head while I was stuck underneath, force to kill, trying to survive, trying to do the only thing I was able to do. Oh. I won’t lie, I was good. Good for the dirtiest job, to get rid of people that was at the bad place at the bad time. To get rid of them like they never lived on this planet, like they never existed. However, stuck underneath, he was to fat, he fell on me and I was stuck there, had to made him roll. And this blood. Red, dark. Danger. Assassin. Monster. It was all I could think of.  

As I open my eyes from the past, I force myself to get up, it won’t do you any good to lay in there. So, I put my feet on the cold floor, get my body off the bed and to head to the bathroom. A glance at the window, the day meeting the night, a golden glow tainting the room.

The icy cold water dripping on my body, I close my eyes. Remember that day, remember the good days. And I remember the mountain sounds, the rain on my face, the silence of the forest, the stars flying in the night. Do something fun, makes friends, tells me my mind. This guy invited you to his birthday party, it tells me. You’ll have fun, I promise, it declares.

So, I’ll go. I’ll stay a bit and if it’s rubbish, I’ll leave.

And I’m like set in stone, looking at the entrance of the pub. It shouldn’t be so hard to go to a birthday party. It shouldn’t be so hard to be able to get past the fact that I never been to a party before, less alone a birthday party. What should I bring? How should I act? Why couldn’t it be simple? I am a joke. I could kill a man while sleeping, but, eh, a party was scaring the shit out of me. On that thought, my hand takes the handle and slowly my foot takes a first step, enter the bar, enter the hell hole that’s waiting for me. A familiar face appear in front of me, a smile in his face, slight confusion in his eyes.

‘Oi mate! I’m glad you could come! Come with me, the group is over there.’

I get it, he didn’t thought I would be there, he suggest the party thinking I wouldn’t come and end up as much surprise as I am. The group in question is large, it takes up much of the space in the pub and by pointing out an area, he embrace much of the bar. It’s okay, it won’t be as bad as you think it will. It will be fun. With this mantra in my head, I head to the bar. Maybe alcohol would makes things easier.

‘Beer please, the strongest kind and the biggest glass you got.’

As much as I want to, I still don’t know how to interact with people.

Alcohol might be the answer to everything. I never thought I’d understand why alcoholic were dependant, but then, looking at myself through the glass, looking at my fear, it suddenly start to make sense. Not that I will never be one myself, I would never allowed myself to such a dependence to something, someone. To put my life on the hand of something I do not control. And as dumb as it sound, being drunk doesn’t allow me to be in control of my every move. But, for today, I decide it was okay to get a little drunk, a little tipsy, so the world around me might be easier to evolve around. Looking at the girl entering the bar with a gift in her hand, a smile on her face, she wish boy an happy birthday, putting the gift on a table full of other gift. I didn’t wish anything to anyone, didn’t bring any gift, and didn’t know how to act in such a party. No wonders, people think I am weird. Well, this proving my point, I return to my beer, taking a long sip. A rich spicy autumnal taste fill my mouth, closing my eyes, savoring the bitter flavor of the beer in front of me, twisting the liquid on my tongue, I got away for a minute. And suddenly, this cap in my hands, one with full of balloons and with those super colorful drawing, and I look at the girl, not quite sure about what’s going on, what should I do with it. I browse around, people hanging around with those caps on the head, looking ridiculously stupid. My eyes go back to the girl next to me, drinking white liquor. She gave me this hat. And it might be laughable, but it was the first thing ever someone would give me.

You should make a socialization effort, tells me my mind. It’s not that complicated to put that freaking hat on your head. Just do it. You’ll see, you’ll fit right in. With a determinate look in my eyes, empting my glass in one gulp, then, my hands taking the cap and installing it on my hair, sliding the elastic under my chin. I glance at myself on my glass; a goofy looking girl with this weird triangle hat on the head is holding my regard. It’s weird. Looking back on my left. I see the girl is still watching me.

‘I look stupid aren’t I ?’

It’s not like I care about looking goofy, it’s not like I know anyone, but I feel like I should do something, say something. However, I never develop the small talk skill. I never had to talk to anyone, really, before, to make the conversation. Pointing the hat on my head.

‘Thanks. How do I call you?’

I don’t know if I should thank her, I am not quite sure when we are suppose to thank people, but I guess that when someone gives you something, even a goofy looking hat, you should thank them. And I wouldn't want this girl to go away, not when she was the first person to give me something. I take a sip at the new beer that the barman poor for me, trying to smile to her, but ending up with a not so sure smile kind of thing.

I almost spited out my beer when she tried to convince me that the hat wasn’t dangerous, that it wasn’t a bomb and that it won’t bite me. Well, since it’s a hat, I would have been surprised that it could bite, firstly. But, I guess in another world, I would have burst out in laughter. She is talkative; maybe she would do the conversation for two? I doubt it though; she looked like she would want to be somewhere else, surely not with me. She said that everyone looked silly anyway, and that’s what people did at birthday parties. How I am supposed to know that? Taking another sip of my beer, a thought slip my mind that maybe I shouldn’t drink that much, being drunk was a weird experience and I tend to be different, really different, when the alcohol was pumping in my veins. “Oh yeah! I forgot to introduce myself! I’m Zelda and you are…?’’ and without me having the time to answer, she had “I bet you came to Logan’s birthday party because you knew that it would mean something to him but in fact, you’re really bored because you don’t know anybody here. Am I right?” Looking at her, my head a little tilt on my shoulder.

‘‘My name’s Skye.’’

I take my time to answer the other question since I am not quite sure myself of why I am here. A twist of faith, a change of heart. I didn’t even remember the name of the birthday boy before she told me, so it was not because I wanted to please him, I couldn’t care less. Maybe be a have no heart, maybe I just don’t care.

‘‘I never been to a birthday party before, I thought that maybe I could be friendly, but then I have to agree with you that I do not know anyone here. Is it your case?”

Getting up, I lean my back on the bar, looking at the people in the building. Everyone seemed to had fun, laughing, smiling, someone had a joyful scream, Logan being push from one person to another. I smile. Because it was so different from what I knew, people that never looked behind their back, people that didn’t know what pure fear, dolorous pain. They were happy. And I was envious, so envious. And that envy, it burn me inside, putting on fire everything on its passage, because I wanted to be like them, to laugh, smile and never looking back, never being afraid, just live. I wasn’t living, I was surviving, and I was so tired of surviving, but how could I ever be so joyful, like nothing on this planet was wrong? I remember my neighbor, right next to me, and without even looking at her, I realize she could be one of them. How could I be so foolish to think that someone could waste their time with me when they could dace and laugh and being young and crazy. But, she gave me that hat. It maybe didn’t mean anything to her, it just being a cardboard hat, but it meant something to me. So, I force myself to make some small talks.

“ How do you know Logan?”

I look at him in the crowd, laughing with a man that I don’t recognize.

‘‘Personally, as of two days ago, when he invited me to this party, I didn’t even knew who he was. ’’

As weird as it sound, he invited me like he knew I needed something to hang on to my humanity.

How can my name can be cool? It is a name. Simple. Short. My mother wanted it. My father kept his promise, even if he didn’t want it too because he taught I wasn’t worthy of a name of love when I kill the love of his life. It came from the Isle of Skye in Scotland, where they met. Not that I care, my father was an a hole and I never even met my mother. But I liked the name, for others reasons that didn’t have anything to do with my parents. Because of a boy that became I man, because of him believing in me, because of my name putting a smile on his face every damn time he said it. He came from there, the Isle of Skye. Quite the irony, no?

The sound of her choking on the drink brought me back from my past. What’s wrong with me lately? Making people chokes and everything. Remembering thing that are supposed to stay buried if I want stay sane, not that I am anyways. But what did I said wrong? ‘‘Wait, really? What is wrong with you, birthday parties are the best?’’ Well, you know between training to kill people and being tortured, birthday parties were a bit out of my league. But I won’t say that, she might get afraid. She already his anyways, but I won’t make her more afraid. A good plan to make her leave as fast as she can, far, really far away from the psycho that I am.

“Look, I know I don’t know you and I know that it is probably none of my business but… what is your problem ? I mean, you are the saddest person in the room, it must be for a reason, right? Just tell me that at the end of the evening, you won’t jump in front of a bus or shoot yourself, please. That would ruin my night… and… and probably yours for that matter.” Jumping in front of a bus? Shooting myself? What’s wrong with her, why would I even consider killing myself? Those were for the weak and the vulnerable, the fragile and powerless. Looking at her, puzzled in my eyes, head tilt on my shoulder, why would she think that? Did I look depressed? I will sucked it up and lived as much as I would be able to. I won’t kill myself, but others would be glad to do it for me anyways. However, I had that urge to live, not surviving, but to keep on trying to live a normal life. I might never be able to, but at least I would be able to forge a somewhat acceptable poker face.

‘‘I would be more susceptible to go rogue and kill everyone, but no, people that kill themselves are particularly weak and I am not. Not that I will kill anyone. At least, I didn’t recently.’’

I shouldn’t have said that. I definitely shouldn’t have said that. Blame it on the beers. Just blame it on the alcohol. Sometimes I wonders, telling me that there’s moment when you have the chance to do the right thing, but I just look at them and wave as they passed by. I am not good at doing this right thingy thing. I always screwed up, so why not do it nicely this time? Finishing the glass in my hand, my eyes wandering on the place, looking for an escape and seeing the untouched pool table at the back of the bar, I pointed it, a smile on my face.

‘‘Sorry, to much to drink, wanna play some pool?’’

At least, that I can do. I got pretty good when I was in the army, not amazing, but good. Ordering a new drink, I take a sip. I prefer rum, rum’s good. If she thinks I am depressed, I will show her that I not. The alcohol help to do things that you wouldn’t do sober, but since I am already a bit drunk, why not take the bull by the horn and ride a hell of night. Not as much a hell of a night compare to normal people, but that would do for me.

‘‘Want to make my first birthday party memorable?’’

And so I order two shooters, one for each. Clinging the glass on the counter, drinking it, putting it down. If I have to get drunk, do it big.

I shouldn’t have said that, I really shouldn’t have said that. I fucked up. I always fuck things up anyway. But I scared her, I know, I saw it in her look, in the way she looked at me, like I’m crazy, bad crazy. She’s kinda right, though. The darkness inside of me, looking at me through the looking glass, it made me who I am, it built me from the inside, from the darkness of his mind. I was that person that people looked differently, not yet crazy, but on the line, not knowing what would be the next level, the next step. I scared her, I knew I did because I scared myself. ‘’Sure! I hope you know hot to play ‘cause I don’t do second chances’’. I look at her, not knowing if it was a treat or a promise. But I went along, I could hold myself in a game of pool anyway. So I didn’t said anything, why would I? ‘’Oh! That is fantastic! I say, the one who loses the game have to pay for another round of shots!’’ And I smiled, my face going from ice to sun in a manner of seconds. Was it just a facade though? I didn’t even knew myself. But, inside of me, a simili happiness was creating itself. Like trying to be a normal person actually help me. I didn’t knew better anyway.

‘’So you will?’’

And went out of my mouth, like that, and for a moment, I stop and look at myself in the mirror reflecting a weird version of me. The me that had a birthday cap on top of her head, the me that said things like that, the me that knew how to smile. It was a weird version of me, and I didn’t know if I liked it because it was new, it was a version of me that I wasn’t used to, and the new things never comes easy. ‘’Grab your weapon soldier!’’ And I looked at her, my eyes opening widely, my mind running like hell. Did she knew, did I said anything? I could sense the shake of my hand, because I was sure I didn’t said anything. I could but my head on that. If she knew, that means others could knew, meaning they could find me. Woooh. Stop it. It didn’t meant anything, right? ‘’You’re the one who had the idea to play. I’ll let you start!’’ No. She didn’t meant anything. So I went on, grabbing a stick from the wall, rubbing it, preparing myself for the combat, sipping from the beer still on my hand.

‘’Hope you’re ready to get smash.’’

That look on my face must have been priceless. I didn’t even knew I knew those words. But I shake my head, looking away from the other version of me. Tonight, I’ll party and I’ll have fun like I never did before, because I never did. The first ball went right inside the hole made for her. The second missed, kicked one of her’s inside. Well. That went well as I smirk. I just completely destroyed every single bits of verity in what I just said. I might should have practice a bit, I was kinda rusty, visibly. Smiling, I finish my glass. I might be drunk before the end of the game.