Don't wanna call you in the nighttime. Don't wanna give you all my pieces. Don't wanna hand you all my trouble. Don't wanna give you all my demons. You'll have to watch me struggle from several rooms away, but tonight I'll need you to stay. Δ Joseph H. McGregor
I look at the man next to me. I said too much, that was a fact. Passing my hand in my hair, I starred at the wall in front of me, trying to calm my heart, to calm myself down. I had said too much, it was bad, it was never good to talk when you had my past, it was never good to share, mostly because I didn’t trust people, I didn’t want to trust them. It hurt to trust and then to be betrayed, so I was doing what was necessary to protect myself from that, to protect myself from getting hurt. I could survive the physical pain, well, I had for way too long anyway, but I wasn’t sure how I would react to emotional pain, I was never really good at managing my emotions, I was the kind of person that was thrown away by them, letting them controlling me, I got better, I learn how to control them, but then, I didn’t know what was going to happen without the severity of the center, of the army. My bet? I would go back to the way I was, letting them being the leading man. I look at him, telling me that I am safe, that I am not alone. I smiled, a light smile. I want to tell him that I’ll probably never gonna be safe anywhere in the world, but I shut my myself, no, I won’t speak more than I already did. I stand up, looking at the man one last time. “You know. People like me, they can’t have a family. We are alone because it is our only way to survive.”If you get attached, you will lose that person eventually. That’s what life told me, that was life for me. I had one person that I ever got attached, he was far, probably not the same anymore, I wasn’t even sure he would remember me If I meet him again, but he was like me, exactly like me. We had been taught not to love, not to depend on anyone. We had been taught that loves hurt, that people died and the only way to survive was to be alone. We were together, but we were still alone. We wouldn’t see each other for months when we started the missions, and then we would simply check if the other was alive, but we weren’t the same as when we were in those cells, waiting for our turn. It got to us, the torture, the pain, it got to us even if we fought it. But here and now, we were alone, we couldn’t get attached, that what gets you kill in the first place.
I turned my back, I’ll go back home now. I’ll go do whatever, run probably, so I transform myself, running through the door, to get the death out of my head, to get my past away from me. I never been afraid to transform myself, not here, in this place where everyone's fight for the creatures, whatever they are. No, but then, I wasn’t afraid to transform in front of a lot of people, mostly because it was so natural, mostly because it was considered normal for us to transform back at the center. They hated what we were, but then, they wanted us to used it for them. At least they didn’t killed us on site.
GASMASK
THE END
(joseph&skye) cerebral thunder in one-way conversations
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GASMASK